Forgiveness and Expectations

Forgiveness and expectations are not related; however some people are unable to forgive without expectation. “I can forgive you if you change your ways.” This statement makes forgiveness dependent on the other individual who we can’t control. Essentially, we are building resentment by setting an expectation on forgiveness.

How are we supposed to forgive? Forgiveness is primarily for you, not the individual who has angered you. It does not mean that your feelings are invalid; it means that you can free yourself from resentment and further damage from unresolved anger. The Bible tells us not to sin in our anger, but says nothing about anger being a sin. Anger becomes sinful when we fail to forgive our trespassers.

We must see setting an expectation as separate from forgiving. Setting the expectation is redrawing boundary lines to protect ourselves from repeated offense. It is something we must do apart from the other individual. Expecting them to change before we can forgive is like drowning in the sea while surrounded by lifeboats. Forgiveness is our lifeboat, get on and then decide whether or not you want to stay or sail away.

Rachel Rowitt | Grace Counseling, Inc.

Intentional Faith

Choosing to trust and have faith in God is intentional. This may be one of the hardest skills to practice in the Christian faith. Onlookers will criticize you for continuing to show faith and trust in God despite horrible tragedy in your life. Do not become upset, they don't understand your relationship with God. 

People have been jaded by religious doctrine that tells them as long as you follow God's law nothing bad will happen to you. This message teaches that God is a puppet Master whose actions totally eclipses the concept of free will. Holding on to a distorted concept of a punishing God will prevent you from seeking Him in the storms of life. Instead, you may blame Him and this will separate you from His peace.

When your heart is broken, when you have to watch as loved ones are in pain, when there is nothing in your control to change or prevent storms; you can pray. We must make the choice to actively participate in our faith. This is especially true when things are happening that are clearly beyond our control.

Rachel Rowitt | Grace Counseling, Inc.

Children of Baby Boomers

It wasn't until my late thirties that I realized my parents aren't going to live forever. Ok, intellectually I knew that one day I would have to live without them, but it wasn't until recently that I felt the emotion behind this thought. Reality takes hold when we watch our parent’s age and fall victim to more diseases then their parents had to face. Times have changed; they used to comment on how baby boomer children are moving back in with their parents unable to make it in the real world. Nobody comments on how the advanced aging process impacts the baby boomer's kids. 

Different types of dementia or physiological disease we assumed only plague people in their late 80's and early 90's are now present in 60's and 70's. People are living longer, so they will also be living longer with certain forms of dementia and other geriatric illnesses. Some of us will watch painfully as we lose our parents 20 years earlier than expected. 

Rachel Rowitt | Grace Counseling, Inc.

Getting Rid of Clutter

Recently, I moved and it occurred to me that it is harder to unpack then to pack boxes. Naturally, as a therapist, I make the analogy to unpacking memories, emotions and traumas. It seems that for some it seems easier to stuff and keep things locked up and stashed away as unwanted clutter. In the long run, our boxes overflow and symptoms of depression, anxiety and other associated disorders surface.

As clinicians, we ask our clients to unlock and unburden themselves from the past in order to alleviate symptoms. In my experience, this act of “emptying the box” is sometimes painful and duration is unpredictable. For others, the contents in the box have become part of their identity so they hold on to unwanted distress.

Thankfully with moving, I can throw the unneeded clutter out while I am unpacking. Awareness, acceptance and forgiveness are three concepts that can help to reduce the contents in the proverbial boxes in our minds.

Rachel Rowitt | Grace Counseling, Inc.

Co-parenting is not just for Divorced Families

It seems that in marriage the co-parenting concept gets overlooked. One parent may differ from the other parent in parenting styles. We parent, for the most part, based upon what was modeled to us or what we want to do differently from the parenting we previously experienced. We all know which parent is the easy mark verses the disciplinarian. 

Children pick up on this difference and will use it to their benefit to get what they want. However, this will ultimately hurt them in the long run. The clashing parenting styles will create an unstable environment at home. Types of behaviors children will display in households with unbalanced parenting may include, lying, anxiety, isolation and mood disturbance. 

Different parenting roles will still exist, but both parents presenting as a united front is part of the foundation for healthy co-parenting. While the intention is to be viewed as one, it is important that both parents are able to exercise their authoritative skills. In order to do this, both parents need to have healthy communication and conflict resolution skills. Additionally, it is important for healthy boundaries to be in place so that a child is not seen as being on the same level as their parents, able to make decisions as if they are equal with their parents.

Following these simple guidelines will produce a consistent message to the children that they are cared for and will inevitably promote a safe supportive family environment in married or divorced families. 

Rachel Rowitt | Grace Counseling, Inc.

Social Media and the Perception of Faith

Recently on social media, I have been reading a lot about Christians who are upset about how other Christians are responding to issues that involve sexual abuse and police misconduct. As I read these articles and posted opinions, it occurred to me that there is hypocrisy concerning in their judgment of other Christians.

I am not disputing factual content; I am more concerned with the public judgments of Christians on other Christians. It seems that behavior is being seen as synonymous with faith and both are being judged. Our behavior and faith are not causal, but correlated. Faith should have influence on our behaviors; however, if we were perfect then we wouldn't need a savior.

Romans 3:23 teaches us that we all have our own short comings. It is not up to us to judge someone's heart. Many of us have made mistakes and thankfully God does not use a scale to determine magnitude of our sin. As Christians, we should pray for those who are not behaving in accordance to His Word and encourage repentance.

Rachel Rowitt | Grace Counseling, Inc.

Radical Acceptance as a Christian

Often we walk around things trying to figure out why or what's the purpose behind events in our lives. To solve the question of “why,” we use our problem solving skills which include rational and logical thinking. However, it is easy to get stuck in “why” when there is no resolution in sight. The truth is when we have faith in God; we really don't need to figure out “why.”

As Christians, we are instructed not to go down the ruminating path of “why.” This is to help prevent us from falling into fear of the unknown and/or into despair concerning issues from the past. Constant questioning can render us stagnant and prevent us from being used to our full potential for God’s glory.

Faith in God for the unknown and unseen, (Hebrews 11:1) is a skill and not a natural event. This type of faith, to me, involves practicing radical acceptance.

Rachel Rowitt | Grace Counseling, Inc.

Can You See the Silver Lining?

Sometimes the silver lining is so far away you can hardly see it. Other times, you question if there is any silver lining at all. As Christians, we are taught Romans 8:28, all things work together for the good..., but do we truly believe this scripture? Intellectually, we can easily apply this verse to our lives as long as our circumstances are non-stressful. Work, friends, occasional arguments seem benign. What about the circumstances that makes us more vulnerable, such as abandonment, disease and/or death?

It is extremely difficult to believe all things work together for the good of those who love the Lord, when God is allowing difficult times in our life. Fear can easily eclipse faith and negative thoughts take hold. We ask ourselves, “Why, what is the point, and how could God let this happen?” Fear-based thoughts can lead to depression and then isolation sets in. Eventually, we disconnect from others and God.

Finding a way to maintain faith in the midst of pain seems to be the answer. Prayer, inspirational music and fellowship are a few ways to stay plugged in to God. He will not prevent bad things from happening on earth, but He can help you move through the experience. While all situations may not be good, God promises to work them out for your ultimate benefit. You can place your faith in His promises; know that God will guide you to that silver lining.

Rachel Rowitt Ed.D., LMHC, CAP | Grace Counseling, Inc.

Self Talk

What do you say to yourself when no one is around? Thoughts have a powerful and influential effect on mood. Self talk is one form of thought that will influence your perception of successes and failures in life.

Our self talk is usually formed by indirect or direct messages received from authority figures in our childhood. For example, a parent who never allowed you to feel accomplished is indirectly telling you that you are not good enough. As a result, you may carry around the ‘I will be worthwhile if (fill in the blank) __________’ lie. Perpetuating these negative messages helps to confirm that you are presently not “ok” and reinforce isolative patterns.

Despite negative self talk, God has already justified and made you worthy in His sight. This is a concept that is easy to intellectually understand, but truly accepting that you are holy and blameless takes practice. One way to begin eliminating negative self talk is to place you significance in Him instead of outside messages or inside self talk.

It is ok to be alone, but in your alone time recognize that you are not your past and don't get caught up in self defeating lies.


Rachel Rowitt | Grace Counseling, Inc.

Do You Have Someone Who You Can Talk To?

Often we walk around wearing masks, trying to look strong and effective, but all the while we’re detaching from emotional pain. Nobody really knows what you are dealing with on a daily basis, because you hide it so well. From the inside looking out, you are dying for someone to see and really understand you. 

When no one is watching you are able to reflect and validate your own pain while tears offer relief. You embrace the reality you cannot change despite your best efforts. You know that once the crying session has ended, you will fall asleep and your pain-filled moment will come to an end.

And then, there is a silver lining of support. You find that person with whom you feel safe enough to share your pain. You don't have to go into details, because their unspoken empathy speaks volumes. And for a moment you are safe to connect emotionally. 

God puts people in your path to give you support. He knows just what you need and is always on time. Be more observant during the day, sometimes He uses unexpected people in our lives for His purposes. 

Ecclesiastes 3:11

Rachel Rowitt Ed.D., LMHC, CAP | Grace Counseling, Inc.

Death and Hope

Death is final. For some, the anticipation of death is filled with fear and depression. Questions fill our minds about what will it be like for remaining loved ones, what will happen to the children, is there life insurance or a will in place and so on. All valid concerns, but without hope this worry escalates into fear-based anxiety. Our focus can become clouded with despair rather then the confident expectation that we will see our loved ones again. Rather than celebrating the life of our loved one, we can become overwhelmed with sorrow.

For Christians, death is a sad time. However, it is a time filled with hope as well. This hope directs our attention heavenward, where eternal life among our God awaits us. No more emotional or physical pain, no worry or anxiety just everlasting joy. Heaven sounds like a fantastic deal, but many people allow their feelings of loss to divert their attention from the One who has conquered death. The simple choice is whether or not to turn and face the light knowing that all things may not be good, i.e. the loss of a loved one, but all things work together for the good where God’s children are concerned, Rom. 8:28.

God takes His children home when their work on earth is done. It is not our job to discern why or wallow in despair. In times like these, we need to practice radical acceptance, knowing that God's ways are always purposeful. We should let our light shine so that others may not fear the darkness, but navigate their way towards the light.


Rachel Rowitt Ed.D., LMHC, CAP  

Getting Stuck

We are the best at rationalizing and justifying otherwise questionable behaviors. When it’s something we really want to do, we will always find a way to justify it. Our internal barometer may be telling us “no,” but our feelings say “yes.” And so the internal conflict develops. But what do you do, when doing the wrong thing feels so right?

Our negative behavior patterns become our default ways of coping, i.e. drugs and alcohol, shopping binges, gambling, promiscuity, etc. We find ourselves developing habits that really hurt us in the long run. The problem is that our feelings are temporary, and so are the “fixes” that we so often find ourselves involved with. We will rationalize and justify our actions in order to have some sort of temporary relief.

In order to be free of our negative behavior patterns, we must seek the underlying reasons for why we keep and defend our questionable actions. Feelings are always connected to thoughts. It is these negative thoughts, a.k.a. stinking thinking, that generates our need to self-medicate. Error always leads to bondage, but thankfully, the truth will always set us free. Seeking the truth will help us to put off these unhealthy patterns and replace them with God’s truth.

Rachel Rowitt Ed.D., LMHC, CAP | Grace Counseling, Inc.

When did LOL replace J/K?

We are so busy in our lives that we have abbreviations for communicating. I remember when we had beeper codes. 143 was I love you. 07734 was hello. And then, we graduated to cell phones and could punch a number several times to text. After that, the cell phone and social media codes became more integrated with computer abbreviations. J/K is Just Kidding. And with the ever advancing smart phone, the bank of abbreviations grew. I remember needing to ask my younger family members what codes such as LOL, TTYL and ROFL meant.

Something seems to get lost in translation with these codes. And with time, they begin to seem more like disclaimers. When someone is trying to be funny, but not sure how the message will be interpreted they put LOL after a comment. However, I see LOL almost after every comment or text. Is society as a whole really that insecure about sharing their opinions or are they just being witty? One problem seems to lie in the perception of the receiver which, without a face-to-face, is even more unpredictable to the deliverer.

This concept of perception appears to be the underlying reason why so many are unable to understand the Bible. If God had the Bible written with the codes or disclaimers behind important scriptures, would God’s Word be more palatable or understandable? It seems that society has made disclaimers an acceptable cover for sarcasm and/or poking fun, but this is not God's intention for communication. His scripture is written purposefully with power behind each word. As message deliverers, we should also examine our motivation for the message prior to including a disclaimer.

Rachel Rowitt Ed.D., LMHC, CAP | Grace Counseling, Inc.
Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor

Boxing with God

Many of us struggle with wanting to know why bad things happen to good people. And for some, it is just easier to blame God for our negative experiences. When we choose to blame God, we are actually choosing to hold Him accountable for something that we cannot find an explanation for. Is it magical thinking to hold God accountable for things we can't explain?

God's arms are long enough to go a few rounds with us, and He most likely expects us to fight, but He knows our arms are really too short to lay a glove on Him. Boxing with God seems like a futile exercise, but maybe it is the outcome of this dance that makes it rewarding. Perhaps our anger, resentment and blame towards God refocuses us producing hope within us and the fight is what gets us there, Rom. 8:28.

Rachel Rowitt Ed.D., LMHC, CAP | Grace Counseling, Inc.
Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor